This post is part of my Tech Lead Series, a collection of practical advice for engineers stepping into leadership roles.
My first 1:1 as a tech lead lasted seven minutes. I asked if there were any blockers. There weren’t. I asked if they had questions. They didn’t. We sat in awkward silence until I said we could end early. I spent the next week thinking the engineer hated me.
It took months to realise the problem wasn’t the engineer. It was me. I was treating 1:1s like standups with a smaller audience. I hadn’t understood what these meetings were actually for.
What 1:1s are for
A 1:1 is not a status update. You can get status from Jira, from standups, from Slack. If you’re using your 1:1 time to ask “what are you working on?”, you’re wasting both your time.
A 1:1 is a conversation about how someone is doing, what they’re learning, where they’re struggling, and where they want to go. It’s the one meeting that’s explicitly about them, not about the work. As Camille Fournier puts it in The Manager’s Path, 1:1s create “a human connection” and provide “a regular opportunity for private discussion.”
This is harder than status updates. It requires you to care about people as people, not just as resources who complete tickets.
The basics
Frequency
Weekly or fortnightly is ideal for most teams. Monthly is too rare to build a real relationship. In your first 90 days, establishing this rhythm is one of the most important things you can do.
Don’t cancel
Cancelling a 1:1 sends a message: you’re not a priority. If you absolutely must reschedule, reschedule rather than cancel. The meeting should happen every week, even if it’s shorter than usual.
Let them set the agenda
The 1:1 belongs to them, not you. Ask what they want to discuss. If they don’t have anything, that’s useful information too. Either things are going smoothly or they don’t feel comfortable raising issues.
Take notes
Not during the meeting necessarily, but after. What did you discuss? What did you commit to? What should you follow up on? Without notes, you’ll forget, and forgotten commitments wear away trust.
Questions that work
Open questions beat closed ones. “How are things going?” beats “Are things going well?” Give people room to tell you what they actually think.
Some questions I return too often:
For regular check-ins:
- What’s on your mind this week?
- What’s been frustrating lately?
- Is there anything slowing you down that I could help with?
- What have you learned recently?
For growth conversations:
- What kind of work do you want to be doing more of?
- What skills do you want to develop?
- Is there anything you’re avoiding that you should probably tackle?
- What would make this job more interesting for you?
For building trust:
- Is there anything I’m doing that’s not helpful?
- What could I do differently?
- Is there context you’re missing that would help you do your job?
- Is there anything you’ve wanted to tell me but haven’t?
The last category is the hardest. But if you can create space for honest feedback, you’ll learn things that would otherwise stay hidden.
Listening, actually
Most people are bad at listening. They’re waiting for their turn to talk, planning what they’ll say next, or mentally categorising what they’re hearing. This isn’t listening.
Real listening means being fully present. Not checking Slack. Not thinking about your next meeting. Focused on understanding what this person is telling you.
Some signals that you’re actually listening:
- You ask follow-up questions that show you understood
- You can summarise what they said back to them accurately
- You notice what they’re not saying as much as what they are
- You resist the urge to immediately problem-solve
The last point trips people up. When someone shares a problem, the instinct is to jump to solutions. Often what they need first is to feel heard. Ask “what do you think you should do?” before offering your own ideas.
The difficult conversations
1:1s are also where you have conversations you’d rather avoid. Performance issues, attitude problems, missed expectations. These conversations are uncomfortable, so people skip them. That’s a mistake.
If you notice something concerning, address it early. Small issues discussed promptly are minor corrections. The same issues left for months become serious problems.
Some principles for difficult conversations:
Be specific
“Your code quality has been slipping” is vague and makes people defensive. “The last three PRs had bugs that made it to production” is specific and something they can act on.
Focus on behaviour, not character
You’re addressing what someone did, not who they are. “You’ve been late to the last four standups” is about behaviour. “You’re unreliable” is about character.
Have the conversation, not the verdict
You’re opening a dialogue, not delivering a judgment. Share what you’ve seen, explain why it matters, then ask for their view. There might be context you don’t have.
Follow up
A difficult conversation without follow-up is pointless. Check in on progress. Acknowledge improvement. Address continued problems.
Common mistakes
Making it about you
If you’re doing most of the talking, you’re doing it wrong. The 1:1 is their time, not yours.
Only discussing current work
Career growth and personal wellbeing belong in 1:1s too. If every conversation is about the current sprint, you’re missing the point.
Avoiding discomfort
If every 1:1 is pleasant and easy, you’re probably avoiding the hard topics. Some discomfort is a sign you’re addressing real issues.
Not following through
If you say you’ll do something, do it. If you can’t do it, explain why. Nothing destroys trust faster than dropped commitments.
Treating everyone the same
Different people need different things. Some want detailed career coaching. Some want to vent about frustrations. Some need help with technical growth. Adapt to the person.
Building the relationship
The 1:1 is where you build the relationship that makes everything else possible. Trust built in these conversations lets you give hard feedback that gets heard. It lets you delegate challenging work that people grow from. It creates the psychological safety that makes teams function.
This doesn’t happen in one meeting. It happens over months of consistent, genuine conversations where you demonstrate that you care about people beyond their output.
The seven-minute 1:1s I used to run weren’t failures of technique. They were failures of understanding. Once I realised what these meetings were actually for, they became the most valuable hour of my week.
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